The Falsity of Control

Do you like to be in control and have control? Many of us do but when it comes down to it, what is it that we can really control?

I view the word “control” as rigid.  I prefer the word “manage” as I believe it to have more flexibility and be on a continuum. Some use the words interchangeably.

So what is it that we can manage? We can manage

•ourselves and how we react

•our thoughts 

•the information we take in

•our breathing 

We can not control others or situations.  We can only manage ourselves and our responses.

For example, last night near a tiny island in Alaska there was a 7.8 earthquake which set off a tsunami warning.  My son is working up in Alaska.  The island he is on is not really near to the earthquake’s epicenter. However, it is an island which is surrounded by water.

Did I have control over what was happening up in Alaska? No.

Did I have control whether a tsunami formed and reached my son’s location? I did not.

I could choose though to manage my thoughts.  It wasn’t going to help if I catastrophized the situation and became emotionally dysregulated. 

I could choose to manage my time - I knew sleep was out of the question so I logged onto Twitter and followed the updates.  The updates that focused on gloom and doom, I chose not to follow or read ~ I did not need the extra drama. I also did not read most of the comments because they, too, were not helpful. I found Twitter newsfeeds that were just reporting the facts and followed them. 

I chose to focus on my breathing. When we get stressed, we tend to tense and hold our breath.  This doesn’t help us or the situation! Instead, I practiced square breathing (inhale for count of 4, hold for count of 4, exhale for count of 4, hold for count of 4, and repeat) which kept my breathing (and my body) calm and in rhythm. It also helps with our thoughts since we are counting and inhaling/exhaling, our thoughts cannot spin out of control.

I also knew that my son would do what he needed to in order to stay safe. He let me know this morning he went to the top of a mountain for a number of hours until they received the all clear. I trusted that he would do what was best for him. Thankfully, the tsunami warning was cleared and everyone was safe.

These 4 steps work in many situations whether it is work-related, family focused, leadership management, or relationship stressors.  We can manage ourselves and how we handle the situation. We do not have control beyond ourselves.

It can be difficult to practice emotion regulation - especially if it is a new concept for you and/or you are really anxious. However, it is possible. The next time you are facing a situation you really want to control, try using these 4 steps.  Do know it takes time so do not expect “perfection”!  

If you would like help on this and learn to be more emotionally regulated, schedule a call with me to discuss further. Coaching can definitely help to learn these skills and to implement them.

Wishing you all the best  

Is your inner critic loud? Like really loud where it sometimes prevents you from doing things to take care of you, follow your dreams, and reach your goals?  I have put together 5 Strategies for Managing Negative Thoughts to help with this! To receive your free pdf download and accompanying video, click here.