I feel...when you...because ~ having non-confrontational conversations

I am sure you have had someone - whether it be a significant other, parent, friend, colleague, or a supervisor – tell you they need to speak with you.  As they are talking to you, they begin the conversation with statements such as, “you made me mad”, “you don’t help enough”, “you aren’t measuring up”, “you need to be more focused”.  Regardless of the message they are attempting to convey, the one word that is heard is “you”.  When someone has a conversation that is mainly focused on “you” and all “you” haven’t done well, or aren’t doing right, it is difficult to hear the message and not get defensive.

When we are having a conversation, especially one that might be difficult to hear, it is imperative that we don’t set it up to play the blame game.  Over usage of the word “you”, is a way to have your conversation not go well.

A more effective way to set up a conversation is as follows:

I feel __________________________

When you ______________________

Because ________________________

When we begin a conversation with “I”, we are taking ownership of what we are about to say.  We are not pointing any blame.  By following “I” with our feeling(s), we are letting it be known how what we are about to say makes us feel. Again, taking ownership and providing an explanation.

Following our feeling(s) with “when you” allows us to let it be known the behavior we are addressing.  By addressing the behavior, we are not making what we are saying to be a personal attack. We are focusing on the behavior, not the person.

Lastly, the “because” section is a way to provide an explanation of why we feel the way we do.

For example:

I feel annoyed

When you say you will take out the
garbage and don’t

Because the garbage stinks up the house.

Isn’t the above a lot easier to receive as opposed to:

You’re so lazy and never take out the
garbage and never help which means I have to clean up everything

I would much rather prefer the first version!

With this being said, I would like to note a couple of things:

It can take practice to have these kinds of conversations. Most of us are not used to talking this way.  Anytime we are using a new technique, we need to practice.  It takes a while for it to become second nature to us.  I highly recommend not initially attempting this style in the heat of a moment but taking some time to calm down and collect your thoughts.

Also, we can present a conversation in the best possible way but that does not mean the person we are speaking with will necessarily be open to what we are saying.  That is okay.  We cannot make someone hear what we are trying to say no matter how “perfect” we set up a conversation.   

I have had clients practice using their voice and setting up this type of format for difficult conversations.  We practiced ahead of time and I was with them in their session when they first used this format (usually with a parent).  When the conversation did not go as well as was hoped, my client felt devastated and asked what the point was.  The point is that you are asserting yourself and expressing yourself in an appropriate way. Just because the individual was not open or accepting of what you had to say does not mean it wasn’t worth your time. It most definitely was.  You were able to have a difficult conversation in a non-blaming, nonconfrontational way and were able to identify how you were feeling and why.  You were able to use your voice and speak for yourself. That is HUGE – especially if this is something new for you.  We have these conversations more for us than for anyone else.

Even if your conversation doesn’t initially go as well as planned/hoped, keep using this format. Some people may be surprised by you using your voice or this new style of conversing.  That is okay.  Some people may try to up the ante and provoke conflict.  Remember, that is on them, not you.  Do not take the bait. Stay consistent.

Let me know if you give this a try and how it goes!

Wishing you a great day!

Denise

I feel, when you, because…